When they first told me the news somewhere inside me went
numb, it wasn't that I couldn't handle it, it was that I
didn't want to handle it. Ever go through something like
that, it's not that you can't handle it, you can handle
just about anything; you know that; but it is that you don't
want to have to handle it. If you've been through something
like that; then you can identify with that feeling. We call
it, "darned if I do, darned if I don't" (being polite here,
some Christian's might get really uptight if I said this
the way most folks have learned it). Another way that you may
have heard this said is, "caught in the middle of it."
Stuck; don't want to handle it, but there you are, and there
I was. I don't know what the man was expecting me to say;
but evidently, my silence wasn't expected? Ever been there,
where you don't say what they expect, and they look at you
with that look, you know the one? That's how he was looking
at me; and, I couldn't really do anything to help him out,
I knew he was uncomfortable with the situation but my heart
was in my throat, it was stuck there, and my stomach was
hanging on to it for dear life so that we didn't let go of
whatever it had been that we ate for lunch; ever been there?
This wasn't the news I wanted to hear at all.
I suppose I could have chosen to cry; those were my younger
years, so crying wasn't my usual option; for some reason in
the years between twenty-ish, and now, fifty-ish, crying no
longer is an issue; frequently there isn't anything I can do
about it, so I cry; but that day, it wasn't my choice. Looking
back, I suppose I could have gotten angry at God, some people
at times when things aren't going the way they would call
"good," choose to get angry at God. That just didn't make much
sense either, in fact, nothing was really making sense at all;
it was in a way, like being in shock, although they tell me
without physical malady shock from purely emotional cause is
rare? So I was just numb, ever been there, numb?
Finally after a period of time I looked at him and said:
"your sure, there's no chance you're wrong?" I was hoping, it
seemed so wrong that I was hoping it might be, ever been there?
"Teacher, are you sure it wasn't an ...," "Officer are you sure
I was going that much over the speed limit?" "Oh I can't believe
that you feel like that...," ever been there? That's where I was,
and now, you can see, why the Bible says what it says:
Luk 1:34 Then said Mary unto the angel, How shall this be,
seeing I know not a man?
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